For Friends and Family of infertiles...

This was posted on a friends blog.  Very apropo.

For Friends & Family

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

 Nevertheless, you have done well to share with me in my affliction.  

Philippians 4:13-14

If you are the one struggling with infertility, guess what?  Today’s Daily Double Portion is not for you!  Please print this copy out, hand it to the nearest friend or family member, turn your computer off and patiently wait until tomorrow for your next Daily Double Portion!

If you love someone who is carrying the heavy load of unplanned “un-pregnancy”,  you may find it difficult to know how to offer support for their struggle.  They definitely need your encouragement, but it is sometimes so difficult for friends and family to know how to offer the support.  As we struggle with infertility, our relationships with friends and family are undeniably touched.  Those who conceive easily may have difficulty truly understanding the struggle an infertile couple faces every single day.  In our effort to offer support for those who struggle, we submit these suggestions for ways that friends and family can offer their own support to those they love.  These are simple, practical ways to show your love and support.  If Sarah’s Laughter can help you in any way, please feel free to contact us at any time.

What to Say...

• I’m so sorry.
• I’m praying for you. (Only say this if you really will pray.)
• How would you like me to pray for you? (Join in agreement with them in prayer.  Don’t assume you know what they’re praying for.  They may be praying for something that seems totally off the wall to you.  You don’t have to understand why certain things are important.  It may be important for your friend to not be invited to her cousin’s shower, or to be called into work on what should have been her due date.  When you validate their feelings by praying in agreement with them, it can be a beautifully healing thing.)
• I’m here if you need to talk. (Then don’t be afraid of what they may say.  Don’t be offended if they don’t want to talk.  Being available to them as a sounding board is priceless.)

What NOT to say...

• Relax, honey.  It will happen.  (This minimizes the hurt the couple is feeling.  Also, sometimes it doesn't happen.)
• You’re so lucky not to be tied down with kids.  You can go on vacation any time you want.
• At least...you were only a few weeks along, At least...you have one child.At least...you have time with just the two of you.  (A good rule of thumb is--if you start a sentence with “at least” it’s probably the wrong thing to say!)
• So whose fault is it--yours or his?  (Infertility is not an issue of fault.  It is a medical condition that carries a heavy emotional and spiritual burden.  This is an intensely personal battle.  If they want--or need--to share personal, medical information with you, let them.  It’s really quite an honor to be trusted with such vulnerable information. If they don’t want to share, please don’t ask.)
• You can always have another baby.  (Unfortunately, many who experience infertility also experience loss.  Even if they are blessed with a houseful of other children, they still grieve the baby they've lost.  They love  this baby.  They want this baby.
• I know how you feel.  (No, you don’t.  Even if you suffered with infertility or miscarriage, you cannot know exactly how this person feels.  You may have a good idea based on your own experience, but not the specifics of this situation.)   
• Don’t cry.  It’ll be okay.  (Let them cry.  Let them cry with you or on you. Just let them cry.)

Be Sensitive...

• Infertility and loss are excruciating experiences which tend to be extremely private.  If someone dares to trust in you and shares these experiences with you, take their hurt very seriously even if you cannot relate to their pain.  Maintain their confidence.  If someone else questions you about your friend’s childlessness, keep the information to yourself.  Even when others ask out of concern, remember the intimacy of this situation.  If and when your friend wants to share with others, she will--just as she shared with you.  
• Don’t ask infertile women or mothers who have miscarried to pass out gifts on Mother’s Day, host baby showers, etc.  These are excruciating events for those who struggle.
• Realize that the grief an infertile couple carries begins anew approximately every 28 days.
• Don’t panic if the couple “emotionally vomits” on you.  Don’t cringe if they start talking about sperm counts or post-coital tests.  Your support can be life giving to someone who feels like they are going to collapse under the weight of an empty cradle.
• Don’t be afraid of anger.  Hurting people tend to lash out.  If they are angry at their spouse, their doctor, their baby, their body or even at God, let them vent.
• Give hurting couples an “out” on Mother’s Day/Father’s Day, on days when you have a baby dedication at church, for baby showers, children's birthday parties, etc.  Let them know about the dedication in advance if you are comfortable doing so, so that they can decide if they want to attend that Sunday.  These are hard events to attend.  Don’t criticize if they do not attend.  However, follow up with them if they miss more than just the difficult days or if they are pulling away too much.
• Let them know you care.  However it works for you and those you care for, just let them know you care. 

As Philippians 4:13-14 says, we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength, but it is so good of you to share with your infertile friends/family in their trouble. Thank you!  Thank you!  Thank you!  Thank you for caring for hurting people and making such a wonderful effort to ease the pain of unintentional childlessness.

3rd OB appointment... Dr switch!

Went well!  I've officially gained 20 lbs at just under 20 weeks... so... yeah.  But, my OB says that's good and they expect me to gain more than average.  Daughter's HB was 147 (between 120 and 160 is normal).

She told me that our daughter was in the 42% at about 9 ounces last week at the ultrasound.  It's crazy to think that she's so small but moving around so much!  Today I let my mom and dad feel her.  They each had a hand on one side of my stomach.  At first, Daughter was wiggling on the right for my mom to feel, so then my dad switched sides so he could feel, and daughter switched to the left!  She's quite the little gymnast!  Playing hide and seek with grandpa already!

I got some of my questions answered...

Gardening is OK (woot woot!  Starting seeds soon!)

Protein is the best thing to eat before bed to make it through more of the night without waking up hungry.

We should never worry about too much movement.

I don't have to adjust my eating habits if Daughter moves more after I eat a certain food.

Laying on my stomach is fine as long as I'm comfortable.

An Active baby in the womb doesn't necessarily mean an active new born- just that she's healthy.

And ***TMI alert*** heavy discharge is normal and probably going to get worse.

At the last OB appt, I thought I may have noticed some maternity pants on my OB doctor as she bent over for something.  I told Mat about it, but didn't really think much of it.

Today, my mom took me to the appt in her all wheel drive (after getting stuck 3 times last week, we thought it would be safer!) and she was excited to meet my OB and hear the heart beat.  So I told her before we went to look to see if she thought the Dr was preggo.  At the end of the appointment, the Dr brought up that her due date had changed.  She had been due in mid August, but now her due date had been bumped up to July.  I said "Congrats!" and she told me my options...

I could either switch Dr's now, continue seeing this Dr until I absolutely had to change, or I could see them both.  I asked her if she would be offended at all if I switched now and she assured me that she would not and she completely understood.  She said that a few of her patients who were on their second, third, or fourth were sticking with her, but she completely understands that a first time mom who has been through everything we've been through to get Daughter would want to switch now.

The other doctor sounds great.  She is actually the Dr that the preggo Dr is going to for her OB care and will do the delivery.  I just confirmed that she was not of child bearing age... just to ensure that she wouldn't have pregnancy conflicts as well.  We'll have to find another appt that Mat can come with me for, because he wants to meet the Dr before the delivery.

And last night, one of Mat's friends offered us some baby girl clothes!  They have two daughters and want us to have some of the clothes :)

19 week pics!

A bit late... but I couldn't find the camera cord.

19 weeks

19 weeks

I tried on my dresses Sunday to see what one I should wear to the First Choice Clinic fundraiser banquet last night.  I was told that dress pants would be appropriate, but I don't have any maternity dress pants that fit.  This isn't the dress I decided on, but it's cute. 

It was honestly the first time I felt like a "cute" pregnant lady.  It's a hand me down from my sister (as most of my dresses are, except for the ones I buy at thrift stores or garage sales) and it's perfect for maternity!  I had a cute sweater on over it and wore it most of the day.  

The dress I ended up wearing was actually a maternity dress I got from a G sale when I first found out I was pregnant with the twins.  I remember looking through the maternity clothes and another flat stomached woman joining me asking when I was due.  I was only 4 weeks, but she wasn't even pregnant yet.  They were just going to start trying.  She was so excited!  I wished her luck.  I wonder if she has a baby yet?  This was in June of 2011... so odds are good that she does.  I hope she does :)

Wiggler is a girl!

Perfectly healthy!  :)

I left very early for the ultrasound because the back roads were covered in snow drifts.  It was a good thing, because I ended up getting stuck about 2 miles from our house!  So close to the main road!  But I called AAA (life savers!) and about 40 minutes later a tow truck came and dug/ towed me out of the drift.  The license plate on the tow truck said "JOY" and then some numbers.  I thought that was very appropriate! 

While I was waiting I prayed, read, recited Psalm 23 a few times, and called the hospital to let them know that I would be late.  I ended up being about 20 minutes late (thank God I left so early!), which wasn't so bad.  Mat met me there and we went in together.  

The tech was the same one who had done my 6 week and 9 week US.  She remembered me (small town) and said our baby had Mat's nose.  Ha!  I said "That's funny, because she's adopted..." and giggled.  She said "oh I guess she has one of those noses!" or something along those lines.  She's a very nice lady.  She even warms up the US gel :)

Then I ran some errands in town... went to Walmart and picked out our daughters first onesie :)

And Dr Seuss books were also on sale, so I got Green Eggs and Ham.

I was just grinning like an idiot the whole time I was in the baby section!  We're so happy!

After my errands I went to hang out with my cousin and her daughters for a bit so that I could follow Mat home for the tire tracks. 

What an awesome day.  God rocks!

Another embryo adoption question came up today.  Do the people who donate embryos get paid?  No, they don't.  These are the embryos remaining after the bio. parents pay a boat load of money to do IVF.  Once they're done growing their family, often times they have remaining embryos which they can then donate to other couples for adoption.

Embryo Adoption Q&A

At the women's Bible study last night, the subject of embryo adoption came up and there were a lot of questions.  I welcome questions!

I'll just list a few...

What are the costs compared to an infant adoption?
Less expensive. There is an excellent blog post about it on Embryo Adoption Awareness
For us, it was the cheaper end of the $10,000-$15,000 spectrum.  But choosing open adoption adds to the expense.  In many cases it's actually less expensive than IVF.

How long can they be frozen?
A long time!  Wiggler is 15 this month.  He or she was frozen March of 1998!  Yep, that's right, there's a 15 year old in my womb.  In 2010 a baby made headlines being born from a  20 year old embryo

Two of our 14 year old embies were implanted in November

How many embryos are waiting for adoption?
I don't know an exact figure.  NEDC told us that they generally have around 100 sets at any given time (each set is from the same bio. parents, so all embryos in a given set are genetic siblings.  The 15 embies we adopted are one set).  About 50% of them are open adoption embies, and 50% closed.  We went closed and we had over 90 profiles to choose from!

NEDC was the agency we found with the most.  But there are many agencies, even a lot of local clinics, with donation/adoption programs. 

Can you choose the appearance closest to you?
Yes.  At least at NEDC, they give you a page listing hair and eye color, skin tone, height, weight, profession, heritage, etc.  Then you choose from those single page listings which sets of embies you want more info on.  We chose 5, I believe, and we got about 10 pages on each.  Listing health history, parents tastes, hobbies, and health histories of any babies born from this set.

We ended up choosing the parents who were the most like us, both in physical appearance and in hobbies and likes/dislikes.

There were other questions, and please feel free to ask any that you may have.  We are so excited about embryo adoption and our little Wiggler (and his siblings!) we want to share it with the world!  :)

Our adoption agency (Christian Family Life Services) told us that once we adopt, we become ambassadors for adoption.  So true!

17 week pics!

17 weeks yesterday!

With a vest

 

Without a vest

With a Mookie

Without a mommy (I'm weird)

Yesterday morning when we woke all the trees looked like this!

Such beauty right out our front door!

We had a pretty laid back weekend after my cramping Thursday-Saturday. It got progressively lighter throughout the resting of Friday and Saturday.  When I woke up Sunday, it was gone!  I think it may have been from cleaning too hard... Mat's folks were supposed to visit this weekend but ended up getting too much snow at their house. 

Last night we celebrated our Goddaughter's third birthday. It was very fun!  She said the funniest thing when Mat was trying to convince her that he had a baby in his tummy, too...

"Girls have babies in their tummies.  But they don't have to eat them!"  Her eyes even got a bit wider with the last sentence.  So cute!

The two adorable little girls had us in stitches all night!  Which caused me to burp and hiccup more than normal (laughing makes me swallow air).  Our Goddaughters 5 year old sister kept kissing and hugging my tummy :)

Cramps

I cramped like normal PMS cramps last night.  I was kind of worried, but we checked with the doppler and Wiggler's heart was still beating away.  And the cramping was on my left side, where the heart beat was.  But I called the clinic this morning just to make sure.  The nurse called me back just before 12 and said that it was normal for women to experience cramps as the uterus grows, but that I should rest for the rest of today and drink 64 oz water (not a problem, I've been drinking lots anyway). 

Then I asked her a few more ?'s.  Like was it safe to be drinking our well water through a Brita filter, was it safe to use the doppler a few times a week, as we've been doing... she said well water should be fine, as long as it's filtered (I switched to bottled at Mat's insistence) she thought the doppler was ok, but she would check with the Dr and call me back today if it wasn't.

So I've been relaxing and watching Netflix most of the day.

I just got a call from the nurse and the Dr wants me to stop using the doppler altogether.  I asked if it was ok on an emergency basis, and she said yes, but very sparingly.  The funny thing is I told the doctor about our doppler at the last visit, she seemed fine with it and even asked what kind of reading we got.  I guess a couple-few times a week is just too much....

The nurse also advised me that if I still feel crampy, rest again tomorrow.  And if cramps resurface, rest but to call the clinic.  She said if it gets worse over the weekend, go ahead and go to the hospital.  I'm pretty far from that point... and not bleeding at all... I haven't even taken any tylenol yet today.  But it's nice to have a back up plan for over the weekend.

So, prayers are appreciated!  I'm sure that most women wouldn't even think twice if they had these cramps in their pregnancy... but, we've lost babies before so I worry a bit more.