Fun day in town

Daughter really wanted to go to the library and zoo today. Why not?

So we went. 

I had a nice chat with the children's librarian while we were there. She said Daughter is looking more and more like me. 😊. I didn't say anything about EA. I generally use every opening to bring attention to it... But Daughter looking like me isn't really an opening- it's just a coincidence. 

It's hard

It's hard to see babies and think that we'll never have another.  At the same time, I love seeing babies because they're so adorable and fun...

I have nagging doubts in the back of my head.  I *know* that they aren't the reasons God didn't give us a genetic sibling for Daughter, but they still nag me...

What if I'm not a good enough mother?
Are we being punished for refreezing one excellent embryo at the March transfer?
What if God doesn't want us to homeschool?
What if I won't be able to handle more than one child?

I know it's all nonsense... but it still nags at the back of my brain.

We're looking into our options.  Traditional adoption...

My conference call with Dr Keenan was Thursday.  He said he doesn't know why I haven't gotten pregnant and that it could be the changes in my body since having Daughter.  He said we could go back for a 4th attempt if we used the "special needs" embryos.  We decided against it, for now.  I really don't think that I can get pregnant again.

Not pregnant.

Not pregnant.

Negative beta

I tested Friday and Sunday... so I knew. 

Still hard.

7dp3dt

This didn't get published last week for some reason....  Written last Wednesday. 

We're all sick. Mat, daughter, me...

We all went to urgent care last night and had ear infections and red throats (the rapid strep test was negative). 

So we all got antibiotics. 

I had emailed Lynda earlier in the day asking which antibiotics would be ok to take if I needed any. She said any antibiotics that are safe for first trimester. 

The nurse practitioner seemed very interested in embryo adoption. She asked us loads of questions and seemed really pleased that it existed. :)

So today Daughter and I are taking it easy... Mat is at work but still feeling lousy. 

Here's a cute pic of Daughter with one of her TN souvenirs :)

5dp3dt

I didn't cramp at all today!  Woot!

Slight nausea, some itty bitty boob soreness.  Exhaustion... Overheating easily (in a 68* house!)... Extreme hunger. 

Today I took a 1.5 hour nap. So nice!

****TMI alert****

Last night I had some watery discharge. That's new...  Mat researched it and he said it's fine and maybe even a good sign.

Are these symptoms of the hormones I'm on?  Possibly. But it's nice to be PUPO and have symptoms :)

4dp3dt

(4 days past 3 day transfer, for those unfamiliar with the lingo)

I'm having nausea and very mild cramping. Very hungry!

The cramping made me nervous because the only transfer that I remember cramping from was the July transfer which was a BFN (big fat negative). 

I did some research and it seems pretty normal. Last night I had some twinges in my lower andomen. Implantation?  Time will tell :)

Transfer day!

The transfer went great, but only 2 of the remaining 5 embryos survived :(. Three died.

That was hard to hear. 

Of the two that survived, one was good and grade 1, and the other was average and grade 3. 

Not very heartening considering the July transfer we transferred 3 excellent embryos. 

But only God knows which of these precious babies will survive on this earth. 

We're still very hopeful. My lining was 12mm and we did the endo scratch this time. Here are some pics

Cade's cove

Last night we got to meet with another couple transferring through NEDC. We had a lot in common with them and really hit it off. We met them for breakfast this morning, as well. Their transfer was today, so prayers for them!

We went to Cade's Cove today. Beautiful!

We found a cave!

And we also went to Pappy's quilt shop again. They were having a 25% off sale!  

The transfer is tomorrow!  Eep!  I'm less nervous/anxious than I was before the trip.  Mat is really doing well at helping me stay relaxed. I probably won't sleep very well tonight, but it shouldn't be that bad :)

We're here!

We arrived late this afternoon in Knoxville.   

The drive was nice- Mat drove almost the whole way- and we listened to audio books. 

We stopped at Missouri Star Quilt Company!  It was great!  They're building a new Man Cave in Hamilton for other amazing hubby's who go there with their wives. 

This morning was my first shot of progesterone and I was cut back to two Estrace a day starting today. Tomorrow I start two shots of progesterone (am/pm). 

A week from today...

It's hard to believe that the transfer is only a week away!  Calendar-wise, I'm already pregnant!  (At the transfer I will be 2 weeks 3 days pregnant)

Crazy!  

I'm feeling a bit nauseated.  That's on par for me and my nervous tummy. But then in the back of my mind I worry "what if I'm getting sick?"  

Daughter is cute, as ever. Today she was a bit more fussy than normal. 

She loves to play "nigh nigh" in mama and daddy's bed. She pulls the quilt up and says nigh nigh. 

She enjoys when I make different noises depending on where she pokes on my face or her face. 

She LOVES when daddy walks his fingers toward her for a tickle. 

She's curious...

She's ready to have a little brother or sister to play with!

Haloween!

Daughter and I went down to my sisters house this weekend for my nieces birthday. It was so much fun!  But we did not sleep well. At all. Oh my, daughter is a nightmare today.

Onto the pics!

My sister liked the fabric in younger nieces quilt, so she requested the same fabric line (A Beautiful Thing). 

Daughter loves her cousins!

It was a blast!  The toddlers were Elsa and Anna. For all of two minutes. They didn't actually trick or treat because they were overly fussy and sleep deprived.

We also went over to visit with NEDC friends. That's always fun!  No pics... And Daughter got really fussy so we left early. But I had a good talk with fellow NEDC mama. It's really nice to talk with someone who has been through it all.

Then when we got home, Mat had stew going in the crock pot!  So sweet!  Then he let me take a long bath and get some mama time :)

Endo scratch and baseline tests done!

I had my endo scratch, ultrasound, and lab test done already. I'm on my way!  

The endo scratch went pretty well. It was a new Dr who I had never seen before, but both she and the nurse were very friendly and nice. 

The woman who did my ultrasound was originally from TN. She didn't know about NEDC, but she had heard of embryo donation (not adoption). 

Daughter and I spent the night in Fargo Monday night for my appointments. We did not sleep well... So now Daughter is fussy. I hope she takes an early nap!

Here are some pics of her :)

Listening to and watching the bell choir at church. 

She wouldn't take a nap twsterday, but then ended up crashing on the floor :)

The wrong Estrace!

The mail order pharmacy has sent me the wrong generic Estrace. 

I noticed that the pills were shaped differently than in the past, so I called the pharm. yep!  They sent generic Estrace from another manufacturer. Doesn't seem like a big deal, but dr K only wants TEVA Estrace. They knew this and sent the wrong one. 

The pharmacist I spoke with said that they'll probably send out the correct rx free of charge, which make sense because it was their error. I'll know next week. 

I also got my med protocol today. Another slight heart attack... I couldn't log in to the new site for the info so I emailed Lynda, waited about 45 minutes (it was after 3 here which meant after 4 there) and then I called. 

Turns out, after some figuring, I was one of the few in the July cycle who was tried out with this new protocol relaying site, so I had changed the automatic password. 

I got my lab, US, and endo scratch orders. I called my local clinic to get them scheduled and the infertility nurse was out but the nurse who returned my call didn't know what an endo scratch was... Yikes!  I hope he infertility nurse does!  Otherwise I need to find another clinic :(

So a lot happened today on the EA front. Happenings mean it's getting closer!

Getting closer!

I just got an email from Lynda (NEDC nurse) and we need to update our lab tests. 

Luckily, Mat already has an appointment next week so he can just bring the order. I'll just stop by the clinic for the draw when I'm in town. 

We're very fortunate that we love in ND where they have a 2 year home study, rather than just 1-year. So we don't have to renew the home study, just the lab tests. 

It begins...

I've started my OC. I'm moodier, hungrier, and I have acne. 

The things we do for kids :)

November it is!

We met with our Pastor and prayed a lot about it.  November it is!

I'll start my OC soon and soon after my other meds.  Gotta get those ordered!

In other news, Daughter has had some allergy issues.  She tries to hack up phlegm but doesn't know how.  It's really kind of cute, but I know how miserable it is :(

We started her on generic Zyrtec.  We have to mix it in with juice to get her to drink it. 

We think and  hope that the allergies (and resulting drainage) are causing her bad diarrhea of late.  She seems fine otherwise, energetic and no fever, but she has a horrible diaper rash :(

So we're spending less time outside.  It's hard, but it's better for her allergies.  

Is God trying to tell us something?

First the car, then the roof (which we haven't heard from insurance adjusters yet about) those are both major expenses. 

Then my parents will be out of town for half of our trip and can't watch Mookie (they can still watch Daughter and Mookie for the other half- just not the full week we had been planning). Now we found out that Mat's parents will be out of town through the Saturday before the transfer (we had been planning on driving to their place on Friday and taking off on Saturday morning. Leaving Daughter there). They said they would change their travel arrangements.... 

Is God trying to tell us something?

Should we not do the November transfer?  

That would be additional cost as we would have to renew our background checks (in ND home studies are good for 2 years but background checks must be renewed every year).  But that way we'd have extra time to save up after the other big expenses. Plus if we get pregnant the baby would be more than 3 years younger than Daughter... We were trying for 2-3 years age difference. 

Should we take Daughter with us?

That would likely be more stressful. Driving with her is not easy... We would probably have to fly, and that would stress me out more.  I hate flying. 

Should we make it a shorter trip?

That might have to be the way we go... But it just seems such a shame to sit in the car for over 20 hours to have two days at the destination. 

Should we give up on EA altogether?  

I really don't want this to be God's will. I really want to have genetic siblings for Daughter. I really don't want her to be an only child....

Infertility sucks. 

God, please guide us!

When it rains, it storms.

First, we had a chemical pregnancy from our March transfer. 

Then we had a failed transfer in July. 

Then the loaner car that we had been borrowing from my mom (until after the next transfer when we could afford a new one) died. We got a new (to us) car on Friday. Complete with our first car payments. 

Then today, Mat noticed a spot on the ceiling. Yep, the roof is leaking. We had a hail storm at the end of June and he thinks that is what caused it. Hopefully insurance covers it and we only have to pay the deductible. 

I just feel like nothing is going right. I know we're very blessed to have wonderful family (including our miracle snowflake!), good jobs, great property, fantastic friends, and our Savior... But sometimes it's just hard. 

So blessed to have this little girl. Lord, help me to count my blessings more than my worries. 

Followup call with Dr Keenan

The call went about as expected.  He said that now we've had every outcome of EA possible- live birth, early miscarriage (chemical pregnancy), and a negative beta.  He said that we (he and us) were really expecting the transfer to result in pregnancy.

Mat and I made a list of questions last night...  Dr's responses in italics

-We used name brand Estrace with Daughter's transfer n 2012, should we try again? 
no difference
-Anything we can do to improve chances?
recommends endoscratch
-Could the negative have anything to do with changes in my anatomy (C secton scar...)?
no
-A friend was told on her third transfer to switch embryo age (Day1, day 3, or day 5), would you recommend that for us?
Gut says stick with current embryos (well, yes, we want genetic siblings for daughter... just wondering if you thought we should try thawing to day 5?)  No, embryos grow best in the womb.
-Any additional supplements I should take?
no
-Do you think it was embryo quality issues?
no, embryos were very good, one was perfect.
-with Daughter, my bladder was too full for the transfer, do you think that had a impact?
no
-Do you think my weight had anything to do with it?  (up 5-10lbs)
no

He gave more of an answer than "no" most of the time, I just wrote down "no".

We're going back in November.  We will stay in a hotel that's less than a ten minute drive from the clinic this time.  No renting cabins 45 minutes out....  we'll probably split up the drive home into 2 days just to be less stressful.  No major hikes this time.... mostly driving around the smokies.

personal female issue stuff , just including for others comfort if they go through the same thing*****meaning stop reading if monthly talk grosses you out*****

my period this month was killer.  Cramps and clots like my miscarriage of twins back in 2011... I ODd on both Tylenol and Ibuprofen and used a heating pad almost all day.  No idea why this time was worse than when I had my chemical pregnancy in March... but it was. 

Not pregnant

Just got the call

I had tested Thursday and Saturday   Both were negative, so I knew. 

But it's still hard to hear. There's always the hope that maybe the home tests were wrong. Maybe all this cramping is a good sign. 

But no. 

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you, declares The Lord. Plans to prosper and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future. 

His plan is perfect. I just need to remember that. 

Thanks, everyone, for the prayers. Please keep them coming.